Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You Might Also Like
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.