Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.