A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”