Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
You are what you delete.
A short story about romance.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
God has abandoned us.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.