People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sending in my taxes
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I see your IQ test came back negative
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.