“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
any last words?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.