I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Ghost costume 😂
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go