me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back