DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Good boy 😂😂
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.