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Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
it is time once again
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.