Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
some things should go without saying
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
San Francisco has too many rules
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.