wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Things will get butter, keep churning
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.