“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol