everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?