COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”