Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
peak technology
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning