TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
From my Mom
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
How animals would run if they were human
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite