Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You Might Also Like
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
somebody come look at this
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.