My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Cheers Twitter.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes