ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin