All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.