Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You Might Also Like
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor