Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine