just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
You Might Also Like
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.