‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me