To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
who did the taste test?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
the simulation is moving too fast
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’d hang this in my house.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.