my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
This is not me but this is me
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.