I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Me: Same
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.