I hope this email finds you in a well
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.