I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Was it something I said?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.