A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up