Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
#NeverForget
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.