*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶