Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.