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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same