(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE