What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge