And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?