I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god