[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Um … Hot Wings please
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.