I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.