Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
they finally got him. they got macavity
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event