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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.