me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal