I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?