Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
what?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.