[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman