*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??