They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know