“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
me when the borders lift
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.